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14 Signs You Aren’t Going to Graduate

New York University Holds Commencement Ceremony At Yankee Stadium graduation
Mario Tama, Getty

Graduation is just around the corner, and now is the time for high schoolers to start deciding what college they want to attend next semester and college grads to choose a career with the least potential for unemployment benefits in two years.

Some, however, won’t get a diploma that they can hang on their wall (assuming that they make enough to afford a frame for it). Here some ways to tell if you’ll be one of them.

1. Just as you’re handed your diploma, they immediately pull it back and yell “Psych!”

2. The directions you were given to the graduation ceremony actually turned out to be a Del Taco that closed down three years ago.

3. According to your transcript, you majored in “Whatever.”

4. You thought attending class was optional.

5. The only thing you learned all semester was that most of your teachers don’t know your name.

6. Traditional caps and gowns don’t come in prison issue orange.

7. Your scholarship is for Hamburger University.

8. You once told your parents that when you grow up, you want to be a spaceman…and you’re 29.

9. One of your life goals is to have your brain donated to science and you accomplished that when you became a sophomore.

10. You learned to speak fluent French in your Spanish class.

11. You aspire to become a high school guidance counselor.

12. The only thing you learned in your calculus class is that math is hard.

13. The parole board wouldn’t give you time off to go to your ceremony.

14. George W. Bush had a better attendance record than you when he was in the National Guard.

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