YOU: You've made a business out of discovering unknown talent by making people compete for votes on national television. You also managed to bring back the boy band when we least expected it. Your brutally honest -- and usually quite insulting -- critiques of performances make you frightening and refreshing all at once.

ME: I’ve been in the business almost as long as you have, even though I’m 20 years your junior. Maybe that's why I finally had a rather nasty public breakdown and had to start everything over from scratch -- but I've rebounded nicely, if I don't say so myself. Also, my dad deserves some kind of sainthood honor.

How about we get together to judge the vocal abilities of young people and then try to make them into stars while competing with each other at the same time? Everyone will make a big deal about it and wonder if I'll come unhinged on live TV, so my being there could be good for ratings -- or not.

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